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Tunnel Vision; I has it.
Note: this turned out longer than I expected. But I'm not cutting it, because it also turned out more fascinating than I expected.
I am an incredibly self-absorbed person. There's no denying it. The advancement of all things Wednes is my number one priority in life. My writing. My well-being. My happiness. There are plenty of people I love and enjoy sharing my life with, and sharing in theirs. But me first. I'm number one. I do not consider this a bad thing, even though the term self-absorbed has a negative connotation. I consider it a healthy, proactive stance on things. Still, it is not without it's down side.
Like my dear friend Sadie, *snerk* everything in my life is processed in relation to me. For all my talk of people being the sum total of their life experience, limited or advanced by their physicality, I can be woefully forgetful of the fact that not everyone knows what I know, or has done what I've done. This leads to scenarios where someone thinks I'm dis'ing them because they don't know something--when actually I'm trying NOT to insult them by implying they didn't know it. Eg:
Me: JD Salinger died. I can't believe some of the stuff people are saying about him online.
They: Who's JD Salinger?
Me: Really? 0^o
They: YES, really! I'm sorry I don't know every actor in the world.
Me: Actually, he's--you know what? Nevermind.
And then I look like a tool. But yeah, if I know something, I tend to assume that everyone knows it, or should know it. I remind myself that my 15-years-younger-than-me-co-workers aren't going to get my reference to "The Ropers" spin-off show. Hell, I had to explain "Jump the Shark" to one of the 3 hippest chicks in my department. (Sasha, if you are still internet stalking me, the other two and Renee and Ariana) The only exceptions would be things I have formally studied, or things that I am rabidly fanatical about. But even then, if you tell me you're a Simpsons fan, I will fully expect you to be able to spell Apu's last name. If you "love" Harry Potter but don't know Albus P.W.B. Dumbledore's brother's name, I will think you lame. Sorry.
But this philosophy of mine often extends to the world at large. I forget that there are people who still watch Smallville because I stopped watching it years ago. When Stephen King stopped focusing on horror, I figured horror novels were over and stopped reading them. I read a few horror classics I'd been meaning to get to, then I moved on to other genres. A lot of true crime, psychology, comparative religions, and Christopher Moore (who really is a genre unto himself). I'm only just now getting back to horror. The fact that I'm just now discovering Jack Ketchum is as absurd as me not discovering Voltaire until 2009. Then again, I'm having a great time reading Ketchum in that way you can enjoy something the very first time. *cue juvenile virginity joke* I mean, think about the first time you read a book that made you look differently at the most important things that you do in life. Ketchum inspires me to be a better writer. In fact, it's kind of fucking with me how much I adore him. This stuff is fucking terrifying. I can't even tell you how much I want to do what he does (and the fact that I can't tell you is indicative of what I'm saying here). I feel like in some ways, Kiss Me Like You Love Me is derivative of him--even though I hadn't read him at all yet when I wrote it. And the fear of being a derivative crapshack of a writer totally keeps me up at night. Really.
Ketchum was always on my long-term list of stuff to read. After Sadie came out people started asking me if I had read him, or if I was "inspired" by him. After Kiss Me got released, people started asking me again. Honest people, I had never read him before. And damn, is he good.
Looking back, I forgot that I even wanted to be a writer just because people stopped assigning me things to write. That's how much focus I lacked. Between mental illness and an *ahem* colorful upbringing, I stayed good and crazy for some time. Can you even imagine what would have happened if this new book came out in 1995 instead of now? Truth is, I don't think I could have written A Stabbing for Sadie at any other time then when I wrote it. My best rough writing is a blitz attack. I used to think being a published writer was a ridiculously unattainable goal. Now I tell everyone who asks that it's easier than ever to get published these days. I base that on no other fact than that I am published; and that there are a lot of shitty-looking books being hyped on FB. Is this viewpoint a low-self-esteem thing? Maybe? I don't know. I'm over analyzing now.
All of this stands to reason, so far as logic goes. But frankly, I worry that my own life experience is blinding me from seeing other people fully. Sometimes I feel remarkably blind to things that are right in front of me, that I feel like I should have noticed if I'd paid any attention at all. When I advertised The Cat's Apprentice, I didn't actually tell advertise that it was about chicks who turn into cats. I forgot that's what it was about, because to me, it was about a bunch of other stuff. Revenge and empowerment and relationships and stuff. But that all makes me feel pretentious and elitists. But that may just be the Oh, so you think you're too good for us now rhetoric I used to deal with. Maybe my expectations for what I should know are just too high.
Conversely, I might just feel this way because if I meet anyone interesting, I want to know how they tick. I want to explore why they like what they like, how they've arrived at their conclusions about the world--especially if those conclusions are radically different than mine. I want to know their parents, their siblings, I want to see where they spend their free time and what there favorite fast food is. I just want to know. Maybe it's intrusive for me to want to know all that stuff. It makes me want to half-assed amateur shrink everyone I know--especially the dysfunctional ones. And deep down, we're all dysfunctional in one way or another. It's just a matter of degree, and specific manifestation.
Or...maybe I'm overanalyzing my thought processes as part of an elaborate self-delusion to escape the knowledge that I'm actually a sociopath. Or...maybe I should watch less Criminal Minds (NEVER!!!!!).
O/T I realized today that I've been giving FOX my Sunday nights for over 20 years. It sounds impressive or a sign of loyalty, but it might just be sad. I haven't decided.
I am an incredibly self-absorbed person. There's no denying it. The advancement of all things Wednes is my number one priority in life. My writing. My well-being. My happiness. There are plenty of people I love and enjoy sharing my life with, and sharing in theirs. But me first. I'm number one. I do not consider this a bad thing, even though the term self-absorbed has a negative connotation. I consider it a healthy, proactive stance on things. Still, it is not without it's down side.
Like my dear friend Sadie, *snerk* everything in my life is processed in relation to me. For all my talk of people being the sum total of their life experience, limited or advanced by their physicality, I can be woefully forgetful of the fact that not everyone knows what I know, or has done what I've done. This leads to scenarios where someone thinks I'm dis'ing them because they don't know something--when actually I'm trying NOT to insult them by implying they didn't know it. Eg:
Me: JD Salinger died. I can't believe some of the stuff people are saying about him online.
They: Who's JD Salinger?
Me: Really? 0^o
They: YES, really! I'm sorry I don't know every actor in the world.
Me: Actually, he's--you know what? Nevermind.
And then I look like a tool. But yeah, if I know something, I tend to assume that everyone knows it, or should know it. I remind myself that my 15-years-younger-than-me-co-workers aren't going to get my reference to "The Ropers" spin-off show. Hell, I had to explain "Jump the Shark" to one of the 3 hippest chicks in my department. (Sasha, if you are still internet stalking me, the other two and Renee and Ariana) The only exceptions would be things I have formally studied, or things that I am rabidly fanatical about. But even then, if you tell me you're a Simpsons fan, I will fully expect you to be able to spell Apu's last name. If you "love" Harry Potter but don't know Albus P.W.B. Dumbledore's brother's name, I will think you lame. Sorry.
But this philosophy of mine often extends to the world at large. I forget that there are people who still watch Smallville because I stopped watching it years ago. When Stephen King stopped focusing on horror, I figured horror novels were over and stopped reading them. I read a few horror classics I'd been meaning to get to, then I moved on to other genres. A lot of true crime, psychology, comparative religions, and Christopher Moore (who really is a genre unto himself). I'm only just now getting back to horror. The fact that I'm just now discovering Jack Ketchum is as absurd as me not discovering Voltaire until 2009. Then again, I'm having a great time reading Ketchum in that way you can enjoy something the very first time. *cue juvenile virginity joke* I mean, think about the first time you read a book that made you look differently at the most important things that you do in life. Ketchum inspires me to be a better writer. In fact, it's kind of fucking with me how much I adore him. This stuff is fucking terrifying. I can't even tell you how much I want to do what he does (and the fact that I can't tell you is indicative of what I'm saying here). I feel like in some ways, Kiss Me Like You Love Me is derivative of him--even though I hadn't read him at all yet when I wrote it. And the fear of being a derivative crapshack of a writer totally keeps me up at night. Really.
Ketchum was always on my long-term list of stuff to read. After Sadie came out people started asking me if I had read him, or if I was "inspired" by him. After Kiss Me got released, people started asking me again. Honest people, I had never read him before. And damn, is he good.
Looking back, I forgot that I even wanted to be a writer just because people stopped assigning me things to write. That's how much focus I lacked. Between mental illness and an *ahem* colorful upbringing, I stayed good and crazy for some time. Can you even imagine what would have happened if this new book came out in 1995 instead of now? Truth is, I don't think I could have written A Stabbing for Sadie at any other time then when I wrote it. My best rough writing is a blitz attack. I used to think being a published writer was a ridiculously unattainable goal. Now I tell everyone who asks that it's easier than ever to get published these days. I base that on no other fact than that I am published; and that there are a lot of shitty-looking books being hyped on FB. Is this viewpoint a low-self-esteem thing? Maybe? I don't know. I'm over analyzing now.
All of this stands to reason, so far as logic goes. But frankly, I worry that my own life experience is blinding me from seeing other people fully. Sometimes I feel remarkably blind to things that are right in front of me, that I feel like I should have noticed if I'd paid any attention at all. When I advertised The Cat's Apprentice, I didn't actually tell advertise that it was about chicks who turn into cats. I forgot that's what it was about, because to me, it was about a bunch of other stuff. Revenge and empowerment and relationships and stuff. But that all makes me feel pretentious and elitists. But that may just be the Oh, so you think you're too good for us now rhetoric I used to deal with. Maybe my expectations for what I should know are just too high.
Conversely, I might just feel this way because if I meet anyone interesting, I want to know how they tick. I want to explore why they like what they like, how they've arrived at their conclusions about the world--especially if those conclusions are radically different than mine. I want to know their parents, their siblings, I want to see where they spend their free time and what there favorite fast food is. I just want to know. Maybe it's intrusive for me to want to know all that stuff. It makes me want to half-assed amateur shrink everyone I know--especially the dysfunctional ones. And deep down, we're all dysfunctional in one way or another. It's just a matter of degree, and specific manifestation.
Or...maybe I'm overanalyzing my thought processes as part of an elaborate self-delusion to escape the knowledge that I'm actually a sociopath. Or...maybe I should watch less Criminal Minds (NEVER!!!!!).
O/T I realized today that I've been giving FOX my Sunday nights for over 20 years. It sounds impressive or a sign of loyalty, but it might just be sad. I haven't decided.